The Blog

a series of unfortunate events: chapter 2


find part one here
part 2 of 3.
“you okay?” the husband asks as he picks me up from the passenger pick up zone.
“no, but i will be. this will be funny someday i swear.”
“you look…” he looks at me and decides to forgo the rest of the comment that will surely get his life taken away from him.
“hmmm okay well, are you traveling home tonight? it’s kind of late.”
i have three more hours of drive home from the airport without the husband…he was doing army stuff for 10 more days, and with all the kids that had spent a whole 5 days with “sugar grandma”.she thinks everything is better with sugar.
“no, i’ll stay the night. then we’ll leave early in the morning so the kids can make it to school a little late.”

and so things go to plan.
and i thought” okay that was unfortunate about the trips home but we can move on.”
yeah right.

we get boys to school and katie wants a bath. i want a shower.
we have enough hot water for one bath.
then the water goes luke warm and then to freezing.
“what the…why?”
i let it sit for half a day thinking “okay maybe it didn’t have time to fill up or something.”
i don’t know, i’m not the one who knows all that crap.

by the end of the day nothing. still cold.
next morning i call the husband leave a voice mail. he gets back to me by around 4 pm.
“well you are going to have to reset itvand then have to probably empty it…blah blah blahblahbladeebeblah blah…”
my eyes glaze over. “uh huh.”
“vanessa did you get all that?”
“nope, but you can give me step by step as we are on the phone right?”
“sigh okay.”
“but i got the first thing down, i’ll call you right back.”

and we got off the phone.
and i went and started to unscrew the cap on the drain valve, that was first right? “hmm okay well anyways after i get the cap off i’ll call him back.”
but it wont budge. hmmm weird.
i get a wrench to unscrew it.

they the next set of events happen in FAST FORWARD motion.

the cap, before i can unscrew it anymore, makes a hissing noise, pops off and shoots like a bat out of hell, pings and ricochets off of five different surfaces, and lands who knows where because i’m now focusing on the ton of water spraying out at me and on all over the pantry and now starting to flood like the titanic my laundry room and seeping into the kitchen.

image of me when the cap ricocheted off and the water started spraying everywhere.

i manage to get the phone somehow.
dial redial and continue to squeal yell and cry into the phone.
“what’s going on?! what happened?!…
VAN.ESS.A. i can not understand a single word that you are saying. slow down. what is that horrible loud noise? are you taking a bath?”

kids walk in from outside to see what the commotion is all about. oldest son yells “MOM! what’d you do?!!!”

the husband:

“oh dear heavens what’d you do? turn off the valve on top! turn off the valve on top!!!!”

“EVERYONE stop yelling at me!!!”
as aprox 80 gallons of water is shooting out of this thing and i feel like i’m in the titanic i try to turn the shut off valve that hasn’t been touched since the last time my husband did something with the water heater and can i just mention he seals peanut butter lids and sippy cup lids with an iron grip so you could only imagine what the valve is like.
i can’t budge it…at all.
i hang up the phone in all the commotion, and i take off my shirt to try to get a better grip on the shut off valve.

i finally stop the water. well the water that was shooting out of the broken valve. the water works are in full swing out of my eyes.

i look around at the damage. my laundry room and kitchen are covered in 2 inches of water. a granola bar floats by as i hit the redial button.

“did you turn it off? vanessa, honey, it’s okay…no it’s not your fault, well it might have been your fault…no that’s not what i meant… but lets talk about what happened.”

i replay the incident play by play. between sobs and gasps for air. apparently the pressure from the broken valve sent the cap flying, and the broken valve also made it that we didn’t have any hot water either.
thank heavens it happened with me right there and not when we were all out of town blah de blah…

i get the head of the fire dept guy over (who also did our remodeling of the french doors the summer before, and who is also my handy man when the husband is gone.) who goes to the house of guy who owns the already closed store, who gets me a new valve, and all is well.
all he said was “you probably need a new water heater.”

thank you captain obvious.

we say our good byes…

i go to check the dryer so i can start cleaning up and fold up some laundry and try to get some kind of order in our lives.

only to discover that apparently one of my kids had a black crayon in their pant’s pocket.

“you have got to be kidding me. of course.”
i then spend two hours cleaning out the dryer drum with a magic eraser.
my dryer is still gray.

to be continued…
next and final chapter:
“my new $116 dollar pearls”