first things first: thank you for the kind words, prayers, thoughts, understanding, and quotes. your lovely comments and emails were read carefully, i smiled and cried some more. thank you.
second: i hope that i do not come across as someone who is not who she is. i have a lot of crappy days, no, i mean moments…but all the sewing and projects and whatever stuff i do with the kids is just so that i can have my mind busy…if it’s not busy, i let moments get into days…i’ve been doing this sort of self therapy for years now. i really do keep doing projects not to keep up an appearance, but because i’m trying to make each day go smooth and without “bad” sad thoughts.
i’ve dealt with anxiety all my life, as the years have progressed sometimes my anxiety has become crippling. i found this to be very true as a new mother. the anxiety of being someones caregiver at times was overwhelming. and i hated those bad feelings about motherhood. as the years passed on and some great medicines later…i was able to learn how to deal with my anxiety of keeping safe or messing up these wonderful little people that i call my children…i learned so much about myself, one was how to cope with this issue. i decided early on when my first born was around 18 months that i wanted to be a well rounded kind of mom. i did not want my anxiety of motherhood to affect my relationship with my child or my future children. i wanted to learn how to do things, i wanted to make things, i wanted to be able to teach my kids things. with that i learned that i loved to keep a house a home, i loved to make things organized and clean, there is so much fulfillment there! i’ve always have known i like to look at beautiful home magazines, but without the funds to just go out and buy that look, i had to learn to be creative. i learned about my passion of finding things that someone else would throw away, take it, and make it better…the wonderful fulfillment in that was astounding. with each child that i’ve had i’ve added more that i wanted to learn to do so that i could teach them. how to be thrifty, how to organize, how to sew, how to… let go of anxieties of being a bad mother…so yes i do get much done, but mainly it’s for my sanity and for the sake of my children that i do what i do. i want them to have a happy mommy that can teach them things, but mainly i want them to see that mommy loves being their mom, and even the hardest to times, i can try to make things better and make the time go by quickly. yes i can honestly say i love being a mom, i find it to be my divine calling in this life, there is no other thing i would much rather be, and i will not let my anxiety make bad moments turn into days. i owe that to my kids. my children have pushed me to want to be a better person.
so with that being said. i went to bed early i watched my “Friends” dvds, and i worked on my hexagons for my grandmother’s garden quilt. when i woke up my kids this morning i woke them up with the saying that i always use after a bad day “good morning, today is a new day, lets start if off great” off to school they went but not without some bumps in the road. just all in the day of motherhood. so i’m working on somethings today again, in between of being a mom to my kids i hope to get some organizing, and cleaning, and maybe some sewing in there as well. thank you all for being part of my coping mechanism!