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“f” is for fiber

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or ferocious farts, or odoriFerous poop(f)s….okay maybe not that one. but you get what i’m putting down.
no?
well let me explain in a story.
it goes a little like this:
so katie had been holding her poops. yes, you read it right. holding.her.poops. as in she wouldn’t have a bowel movement for days. and sometimes we moved into the week and half category.
that does not make for a happy colon. and coincidentally it makes for a stressed out anxious mother as well. uh yeah that would be me.

and now because my mother reads this from time to time…it makes for an over the top, stressed out gramy, who will bombard me with newspaper article clippings on poop incidents where things ended fatally, phone calls with “has she pooped yet?” as the greeting, and a nightly rosary will be dedicated so that my daughter will feel the urge to poop.
hi mom love you. put down the rosary, please don’t worry, the story ends well. read on.

anywho,
so what is a family to do?
well, we have been trying to add more fiber to our meals. like peas, raisins, and whole wheat spaghetti, full of fiber cereals and so forth.
jake made up a cheer he does for her while on the toilet “push it out, push it out wwaaaaaaaaaay out!” he even tries to do a cheer leading something or other while doing the cheer. i would record and post it on u-tube, but i think that would be grounds for divorce.

but still katie held her poops.
ugh.
so to the doctor we went.
laxatives, and suppositories were included to the already high fiber diet.
diarrhea happens…and the mother is not so anxious anymore.
all is well in the colon for a few months…
and then, it starts happening again.
crossing of the legs, closing of the sphincter, concentrated looks from katie, and screaming “NOOOO I DON’T WANT TO!!! YOU EVIL EVIL WOMAN!!!!” when i try to have her sit on the toilet to poop.
“crap” (not literally)”…not again!” i think

so we went back to pull ups in hopes that maybe she would just let go in those or in diapers, and we start adding more bowel moving foods including “live active” puddings, and yogurts, more apples, vitamin C. okay, you get it.

and the cheers in the bathroom resume.

i start noticing that the puddings are leaving the refrigerator a lot faster than katie can eat them. so i ask the boys “are you guys eating the chocolate pudding?”
“yes.” in unison they answer, including the husband.
“guys! that’s for katie! she needs those.”

as the boys walk away (including the husband) with their heads hung low, and disappointment in their hearts, my husband returns with a brilliant plan.

husband: (in hushed voice and looking so no unsuspecting ears catch his brilliant plan) hey…how about we get metamucil? you know that fiber supplement old people take. yeah, why don’t we just cook with it, like put it in soup and put it in her juice?
me: hahaha! haha…ha…ha…oh you’re serious. okay. uh…hmmm…well next time i go to the store i’ll see what they have.

so i did and i got the clear soluble stuff with no taste.

and i started to add it to EVERYTHING. while i was at it, i thought “you know, if adding fiber is good for your diet well then i’ll do this for everyone”.

unbeknown to my kids of course.
“oh you want hot chocolate? SURE!” make hot chocolate with metamucil.
“oh you want juice? SURE!” add some metamucil to the cup.
when i cooked, i added metamucil.

by this point everyone was clueless as to the added fiber in their diet. everyone was happy go lucky and all was well.
well except katie, she still wasn’t regular.

so then my husband got another brilliant plan
husband: (in hushed voice looking around so unsuspecting ears would not over hear) i’m going to make a gallon of chocolate milk and add the amount of metamucil per cup in it and that way she will get a little extra as well.

well, just like any set of growing boys should, our boys saw that gallon of chocolate milk and they hooted and hollered and like vultures started circling it and kept asking “can we have that? is that okay to have? can we have that, can we… canwecanwe?!”
“sure, i don’t see why not.” i give my husband a questioning look.
he shrugs.

okay keep in mind we are now on like day 5 of metamucil being added to things, the boys are all very regular, and that week even a little more so i would say.

they drank happily and so did katie.
my husband calculated aprox 187 grams of fiber in that container.

and then it happened.
DAY 6
me: smelling the air…”ew what is that smell? seriously did one of you fart?”

side note: DAY 6 is the day that i guess the combination of the “live active” puddings and metamucil collide and create some nasty gaseous material in your bowls. just thought you should know.

husband: having the fart reach his nose “ohmygosh! WHO DID THAT?!”
boy #2: “uh that was me. sorry.”
husband: with tears coming out “seriously, dude, impressive, but it smells like something crawled up your butt and died. GO TO THE BATHROOM”.
boy #2: “i don’t have to go to the bathroom.:”
husband: uh the odor that just made my nose hairs burn out of my head and made my eyes tear up tells me otherwise. GO.NOW.”

no more than 3 minutes he was back.
and probably a few pounds lighter.
with a smile on his face, and a Nickelodeon magazine under his arm. (totally kidding on the magazine, but doesn’t that just paint the picture perfectly?)
boy #2: wow my poops come out REALLY fast!

that next week our house stunk. our toilet was clogged on a few occasions, and while lying in bed me and my husband’s stomachs would have growling conversations.
mr v and co moaned one night “oooohhhh my stomach is not right!”

but everyone was regular.
like clock work actually.

in the middle of all this katie finally did it.

katie: mom! i push in the toilet! (katie language “i am finally letting go of my control issues and i need to take a dump in the toilet!”)
and so we did.
and we called dad from the bathroom and left a message on his work phone.
he called back super happy.
and all was happy in the christenson’s colons.
but we’re seriously thinking that someone needs to invent a toilet with a garbage disposal attachment option.
and someone needs to invent an air freshener that is attached to your fart-hole.

i’m just saying.

oh and yes, katie now is quite regular, and she announces quite happily as she leaves the bathroom to all the boys “i pooped!”
and just like great wonderful older brothers do…
they jump up and get super happy for her all the while giving her high fives as she goes down the line. she then turns around and in slow motion does a victory dance and jumps up in the air only to have it freeze frame and have the credits roll up.

true story.
the end.

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